Holding Back Wild Horses in Communication
by Kelly Rundell
I have been told that thoroughbreds that are lined up to race will bang on the closed gate doors in front of them out of anticipation to run. If you have ever watched a horse race, you can almost feel the huge surge of energy released as the gun blares and the gates fly open signaling the race is on. If you are particularly in tune with the horses, you might even notice your heart quicken and your breathing increase as you empathetically experience with them the rush of intense energy as they launch themselves and their riders towards their goal, the end of the line, the winning of the race. This is a wonderful use of energy when the goal is to win against the other racers. It is not an effective use of our energy when the goal is to be quick to listen and slow to speak!
In fact, when we are in a heated conversation that carries pressure to get to a conclusion, the louder our hearts show that we must finish and accomplish our goal to win. When we are told in James 1:19-20 to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger, it can feel like we are a racehorse being asked to stop in the middle of the run, or even worse – walk BACKWARDS.
The goal of where we are going and what we are here to do is what sets the tone for how we go about getting there.
If our goal in communication is to win, to achieve, or even to accomplish what we think is best, then we (and the people we are engaging with) are often in for a bumpy ride. But if our goal, as in James 1:20, is to navigate these moments (this “race”) in a way that honors the Lord, brings about His glory, and works towards the good of His people, then it is a whole different ball game! (Yes, I know I just mixed my sports analogies)
James 1:19-20 My dear brothers take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires”
If we find ourselves in a conversation and it has started with, or become tinged, with frustration (anger in smaller form) or even if it has grown into full out yelling (anger grown bigger), we may need to stop and ask ourselves, “Do I have the right goal or has my good goal changed?”
Much like a racehorse bred and built to run full speed to the end of the track, if our goal is to win the race, we will do all we can to get there. If we have horizontal goals, we will navigate problems and conversations in a horizontal way, which forgets that our purpose is always higher than the horizontal. If our goal is upward, the vertical goal James 1:20 speaks to, the righteous life that God desires, then we will be thinking differently, and therefore listening and speaking differently. In fact, as my colleague pointed out, it may change our heart altogether from chomping at the bit to speak to chomping at the bit to listen.
There is a marriage counseling exercise that I learned in a class by Winston Smith. I call it the holding back wild horses exercise because that is how it felt to me when I tried it with my husband discussing a difficult topic. The couple is to take turns speaking for about 5 minutes at a time. They take that time to express their view on a problem or issue. The other person is to then respond, but not to rebut or to give their thoughts, they are to repeat back what the first person has said in their own words. This is what being slow to listen looks like. It means slowing down, even coming to a stop, in order to hear and understand the heart of the person who is speaking.
In a tense conversation dealing with very loud feelings, holding back your own thoughts and feelings can feel like trying to hold back wild horses. However, if our goal is to live the righteous way our Holy Father desires us to live, it is worth the sweat and stress of holding back our quick to speak hearts. Then we are finally honoring the Lord rather than ourselves, and we are loving the other person by knowing their heart and seeking to walk alongside them in their thoughts.
This exercise can be done in any relationship, whether family, friend, or co-worker, and is a helpful way to grow in honoring the Lord and loving others through our conversations. In the end, our goals are what drive how we navigate conversations with others. If our goal is to get to the finish line and win the race, we will not stop or pause long enough to consider others well. If our goal is to engage others in the righteous way the Lord desires, we will pause, slow down, and even walk backwards when loving others (not ourselves) calls for it.
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