My Psalm

by Joe Leavell

Photo by Pixaby from Pexels

Have you ever wondered if King David had any idea when he wrote his works of poetry to God that they would be read by countless millions for thousands of years?

I imagine that, as a king, putting his deepest thoughts out there for his nation to read about his struggles would not have been easy. Writing out thoughts of anger and despair; confession of very deep sin and prayers of repentance; writing out his love for God and His Word, calling on God to destroy his enemies and wondering why they continue to prosper when he is suffering. These are deeply personal words in the diary of a king that he published for all to read.

Imagine what would happen on social media if our own nation’s leaders put their thoughts out there like this. The press and their political opponents would have a field day! I imagine that level of transparency in a king was a big deal back then as well.

Some Psalms are about worship and praise, others are requests, but in all of them I am thankful for the example of godly leaders like David and others who wrote honestly about their struggles. I think this is one of many reasons why God preserved these beautiful works of art in His word for us today. They leave us with a wonderful example of someone who is completely transparent and honest before God in their worship.

What About Our Own Poetry?

While it is a beautiful thing to read and sing the stories and poetry of others to God, it is also important for us to voice our own hearts to Him in worship as well. Several years ago, I was challenged through the ministry of a class in our church, to write out my own psalm of what I was wrestling through in my understanding of God.

Obviously, our words are not inspired Scripture but they take their cues from the Psalmist’s openness and honesty before God in a poetic way. Not every Psalm has a pretty bow at the end with everything working out just right. Some drop you into the pain of the writer and leave you wondering what happened, while they trust in God. In this way, we were encouraged to focus not on making it all pretty at the end but being honest with God and each other.  

My own experiences of writing out my thoughts and prayers have been truly helpful. At the time, I was struggling through the complete sovereignty of God over our lives in ways that I couldn’t understand. I understood God was in charge, but I resented it because I thought I could do a better job running my life. I know I am not alone in that, but it certainly was difficult for me to admit it to God and to others.

I am no king and certainly my words will not be kept in Scripture or be read by millions through the centuries, but it was daunting to not only write my thoughts but to then to share them with others. However, after reading it in front of a group of roughly 100 people, several commented that they could identify with my struggles and were helped by my openness in the journey.

For me, I have also found through the years since that it has been helpful to go back and remember the lessons that I learned and have something to read to remind me of the highs and lows of my journey with my God. In this, I can praise God that I have grown to love God’s sovereignty, even in the midst of difficult circumstances.

Writing Your Own Psalm

If you come to receive counsel from us, don’t be surprised if one of the exercises that we ask you to do is to read significant portions of the psalms, to journal, or, as the counseling winds down, to write out your own psalm to God. Taking the time to write out my thoughts has personally been of great benefit to me and we have seen an amazing benefit to journaling and even spurring on the poetic mind to make artful worship out of the difficulties of life.

In that spirit of vulnerability, I present to you the psalm that I wrote many years ago.

My Psalm

Confusion…God, where on earth are you leading me?! Why couldn’t you leave me to where I was going? Don’t you recognize that I liked my future and that I was happy with the path that I had laid out before me? Don’t you understand that I had dreams and desires of my own? Don’t you know that I gave myself up for your use thinking that I would get to choose what that service would look like? After all, I had worked so hard and had spent my time planning and developing into what I thought you wanted me to be. I gave my life over to your control, but didn’t you know that was conditional on my agreeing with where you would lead me?

Faltering…I thought my dreams were realized. They were nightmares. My dreams were repulsive because it was me who was trying to make sure that it was my will being done on earth, not Yours. The only thing that didn’t stink about me making sure my dreams came true on my timetable was that I learned that when I try to direct my path, I do a really crappy job. I confess to you that I am horrendous at running my own life. The more I try to control my circumstances, the people around me, and try to control the sinful patterns of my heart, the worse things get. I can’t do this anymore. I give up.

Resignation…I get it. You’ve taught me that you’re the one in control. You’re the Sovereign One, the Creator, and the Only Wise God. You’re the King, I’m the vassal. My ways are not your ways and your ways are so much higher than mine. I get it. I’m not in control. You are. But I don’t like it. Even now I want to be the backseat driver. I say to you, “Don’t you want this and this to happen, God? Wouldn’t it be better if you opened this door? Wouldn’t this path be the right one to take?” Recognizing you’re in charge, I’ve resigned to trying to manipulate your decisions over my life. It hasn’t worked.

Fine! Whatever! Do what you want with me. After all, my dreams are done. I have no hope for a life of significance. No more dreaming. No identity. No value. No more purpose. I am defeated and conquered and tired of fighting. It is not celebration of your Lordship over my life at this point, but resignation. Do whatever you want with me, but just know that I cannot imagine being contented by your will.

Clarity…God, I am an absolute idiot! Your word reveals that my identity was never in what I did for you. My identity is found in Jesus! My identity was not even in someone who screwed up his dreams. Knowing Jesus is the best dream realized. My value is not found in some profession or accomplishment. It is found only in You.  Through Jesus, You have given me the only purpose that matters…to know You, the power of His resurrection, and to be conformed to the image of Christ. Your will is not some burdensome yolk of bondage that I have to resign myself to. Jesus sets us free from bondage! God, forgive me. I have been looking back at things behind, trapped by the enemy in my cell of self-pity. But Jesus set me free.

Forward…forgetting those things behind, I press towards the mark of the high calling in Christ Jesus. From now on, I want to only look to Jesus, the Author and Finisher of my faith. My one aim is to know you Jesus. I want to celebrate that the screw up I was died with you on the cross. The life I now live, I live in You. Help me to spend the rest of my life celebrating and sharing with others the marvelous freedom of your love, your grace, and your mercy. Outside of that, what else really matters?

How About You?

How about you? What are your struggles? What is your psalm? We would love to hear from you and talk with you through them!

For Further Reading:

Praying the Bible - Donald S. Whitney

In the Lord I Take Refuge: 150 Daily Devotions through the Psalms - by Dane Ortland

The Songs of Jesus - by Tim Keller