Hug the Porcupine
by Joe Leavell
Several years ago, as I got to know a married couple in our first counseling session, I asked them to share with me their perspective on where they thought the core issues were coming from in their relationship. The husband went first and articulated his own challenges and desires that contributed to their marital struggles.
The wife agreed with him in his assessment, but then shared her own struggles. She let me know that this was not their first counseling experience. Their previous counselor, she shared, had told her in a pointed jest, “You know, you can be kind of a porcupine sometimes to your husband.” They both laughed at the words like it was an inside joke, and she affirmed that it was true. She could be very prickly and make it very difficult for him to get close to her. At almost any attempt to get near, she would lash out at him verbally, attacking his character and his abilities as a man and a husband.
They both casually laughed at this as a joke, so I laughed along as we just moved on to another area of our session. Yet, that conversation and even that illustration, began to bother me for quite some time after, and I couldn’t pinpoint why. As I thought more about it, I realized that she had been using the counselor’s words as a description of her character but nothing had been done about it. She had a description of a serious problem but it was so normalized that it had become a running family joke.
The husband, in turn, was using the porcupine reference as an excuse to blame his wife for his absence. He placed the blame squarely on her shoulders that he did not pursue her, because he was afraid of her quills.
I kept wondering, “What’s missing here?”
The answer presented itself in the Bible in front of me. What they had described to me was not the Gospel. The Good News of Jesus that sets us free was completely absent from this couple’s inside joke.
When Does the Gospel Show Up?
It’s no surprise that if you go to a biblical counselor, the proposed solution to your problem is going to be…say it with me…yep, you got it right… “JESUS!” Gold star for you!
We know it’s true but the reality is that much of the time we have a great difficulty of seeing what Jesus has to do with anything we are struggling through. We know that God loves us, has given those who trust in Jesus eternal life, but what does that good news have to do with my day to day relationship with my spouse? What does that have to do with raising my kids, going to work, and living my life?
The question really is, does the Gospel play any real role in our day-to-day living? Even if we know the answer is, “Jesus” we could still have no clue how or even why that is true. In turn, this means that in our day-to-day living, a Gospel awareness is tangibly absent. This should give us as believers real pause.
So, what about this couple? They have real substantial struggles. They both are admitting fault, but they present their struggle as a ‘no win’ because no matter what, he won’t move close to her. Even if he tries, she has her proverbial spikes out towards her husband. So how does Jesus show up in that? How can the Gospel come into play in their relationship?
How The Gospel Works
As I got to know the couple, how the Gospel showed up in their situation became evident. I told the husband that because of Christ, he needed to hug his porcupine. He looked at me like I was a bit weird (which I am). I then went on to explain how the Gospel works.
Scripture teaches in Romans 5:6-8,
“For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
2 Corinthians 5:21 also says, “For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.”
What does that mean? It means that Christ did not wait for us to clean up and change our behavior in order to love us, and give Himself for us. Christ died for the ungodly. It was while we were still sinners that He suffered and died for us. God took all of our sin and poured it into Jesus. Using the metaphor, He hugged the porcupine, and took all of our quills upon Himself. Why would He do that? As the verse says, “So that we might become the righteousness of God.”
You see, before I was a Christian, I knew that God had a law and a will. I just didn’t care. I liked my own little kingdom of self. I was in a Christian family, and could see the contrast in my siblings and my parents who already believed. They had something I did not. What was it? It was that they were experiencing God’s love for them, and I felt completely lost and alone. Yet, when I learned of His great love for me, even though I had disobeyed Him in every way I could imagine in my young mind, He still wanted me. He didn’t want my performance. He just wanted me to know Him and experience life through Him.
Me. I’m wanted. I’m loved.
He took my sin on Himself because He loves me and He wants me!
I could not resist that kind of love.
Hug Your Porcupine
You see, the wife in this situation was holding her heart away from her husband out of fear. She had already been wounded by her husband's long list of expectations for years, and was reluctant to open herself up to that level of hurt again, because she felt like a failure. She clothed herself in this persona of abrasiveness because she didn’t want to be exposed for what she thought she truly was.
Unwanted, unloved, and unable to make her husband happy.
Ultimately, she did not believe her husband wanted her. She thought he wanted her performance, and she resented it. He had communicated to her that as long as she acted towards him a certain way, he would love her. If she didn’t live up to his expectations, she was quick to jab back with every failure and misstep he had taken. Theirs had become a performance-based relationship of expectations, not one of love.
The more we looked at Scripture, the more he began to understand that God had gifted Him his wife to be an overflow of the love that he, as a husband, had received from Christ. Scripture was teaching him, “love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” (Eph. 5:25).
What did that look like for him? He was to communicate and reflect the immense love of Christ to her by taking her quills on himself, move beyond them, and get to her heart. Even though her quills hurt his pride, he stopped defending himself when she critiqued him or said “you always!!” and no longer did things that kept up a wall between them. He began to communicate to her that she was the object of his love through serving her, helping around the house, and doing things that he already knew meant a lot to her but he just hadn’t been doing. He showed her that it wasn’t her performance, or anything else he could get from her that he wanted.
He wanted her!
It did not take her long for her heart to melt again to him, and to take ownership for her own barbs. She saw that her wall kept her from experiencing hurt, but it also blocked her from experiencing her husband’s love as well. When she realized he had dropped his defensiveness, and was willing to endure her harsh defenses, she recognized she had no one to fight anymore. In place of conflict, she was being met with someone who loved her, and was giving himself up for her. A man that loved her like Jesus loves her!
Not a Formula
The Gospel is not a formula for marital success. Christ invites all to receive His grace, but some refuse His love. This is the case in marriage as well. Sometimes you lay down your desires and demonstrate love, and it is sadly refused. This doesn’t make it a failure because Christ’s Gospel invitation to all is not a failure or a waste. The Gospel reflects His character to every person, but only those who trust Him and embrace Him through the Gospel in return will experience that level of love. In that way, the way you treat your spouse is a reflection of your character, not theirs.
Hugging the porcupine is also not a plea to excuse being abused. Hugging is an action you do, and abuse is something that happens to you. Christ loved the ungodly and endured real physical, spiritual, and emotional abuse at our hands, so that we can be free from things like abuse. There is a fine line between reflecting the Savior to your spouse, and actually believing that you must atone for their sin through enduring their abuse. Jesus already took their abuse and said, “It is finished.” No need to endure!
Taking the quills from your spouse means simply that you are graciously moving closer to their heart and demonstrating Christ’s love poured out through you regardless of the wall between you.
Gospel-Centered Counseling
In this instance, hugging the porcupine was the wife, but sometimes it’s the husband, a child, or leaning in with fellow Christians at church. Whatever the relationship, if you are struggling to see how the Gospel plays into your own unique challenges, we would be honored to walk alongside you. We want to show you how the love of Christ poured out for us is the lifeblood of any relationship that seeks to experience His design. Please contact BCA today for more!
