Be Nice to me. My Friend Just Died - Part 2
by Kathi Bishop
Photo by Hakan Hu
December 6, 2018 my friend died.
“Feelings are followers. They don’t own you or rule you. Feelings are good indicators of what you are believing about circumstances, but they don’t need to lock you in a prison. God gives you the freedom to trust Him, even in this tragedy.”
How many times I’ve said this in my counseling practice! I believe it. It’s true and anyone would agree. But why doesn’t knowing it help me to move forward? Why do I feel hijacked by grief and sadness at inappropriate times?
Shortly after the death of my friend, my husband Chuck and I went for a walk. We talked, shared thoughts, and felt the sun’s warmth. We got home and not 30 minutes later as I listened to a song the tears flowed. Hijacked. Yes, my feelings of sadness had hijacked me. Despair and pain settled in. My friend died and this hurts to the core.
What was My Experience Like?
Like a lion in a circus act the ringmaster’s whip should be powerful. Strategies of self-control should kick in. But they don’t. My emotions are out of control.
The ringmaster snaps the whip to make the lion obey but the lion attacks and the ringmaster lies powerless. Roaring, the lion takes over the arena with fury.
These emotions just don’t quit their erratic nature.
That is until The One who knows steps in. He walks in and grasps the lion by the mane, firmly. The lion calms. The roaring slows down and eventually leads to purring. The wild animal settles and sits at the feet of The Master.
Emotions are being tamed.
My soul needs release but I can’t do it. I want to stop these feelings. Jesus Christ calms me as I turn to Him. Like a wild lion my emotions seem to reign until I pray. I grab a tissue, blow my nose, walk outside and look up. Talking to The One who knows is the way out.
“Jesus, You get my suffering. You get me.”
A song begins, “My soul magnifies the Lord, my soul magnifies the Lord. My spirit rejoices in God my Savior. You lift the lowly…”
The Magnificat.
The hymn of praise by a lowly young girl, Mary. Words of power. I can’t get them out of my head. Feels different, feels right and feels like things are changing. Another small step to celebrate. Freedom is coming.
My feelings are following The Magnificent, The One who knows, Jesus Christ knows me. Feels good!
“Are things getting normal for you?” she asked me. “Yes, I guess things are getting normal.” The new normal is life.
Time has helped.
Grieving is multifaceted. Understanding how I grieve, what I need while I’m grieving and triggers to watch for, are what I’m learning. Intentionally slowing down, sticking to a consistent schedule, and being home has been good.
Talking to God has been the best.
My friend Mireille told me, “Grieving means you have loved. And it’s very good to have loved so much that you grieve.” Hmm. Need to rethink. Grief has meant self-centeredness, self-pity, self-loathing. Notice the common word? Self.
I’ve found the one thing Kathi Bishop does not need more of: Kathi Bishop. The prevailing attitude of “be nice to me my friend just died” has been the clog. I have been demanding of others so that I can move. Inward focus and preoccupation with self has proved to be a loser.
So what wins?
Understanding.
I have loved someone. “Love is from God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.” 1 John 4:8.
I’m going on an endeavor to find grace.
God is love. “Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.” 1 John 4:16
In this grace hunt I find God really did ease the sadness with His tender mercies. Slowly, day by day my soul found freedom. Freedom to move forward, free to care again, free to open my heart and live in love.
God wins.
And if God wins then so do I.
