Be Nice to me. My Friend Just Died - Part 1
by Kathi Bishop
Part 1
December 6, 2018 my friend died.
She wasn’t just an acquaintance; she was my dear friend for many years.
Grief is fine and very appropriate but as the days progressed my sadness turned ugly. I realized that I was overly sensitive with everyone. “Be nice to me, my friend just died,” I wanted to tell every person I ran into. My husband was the prime target. I had demanded that he be perfect. Did I mention he was grieving too?
I was at coffee with my daughter-in-law when a big group walked in. They put their things down on the chair next to me, “my chair.” Instead of accommodating them, I pretended I didn’t see their need. Rude had become my new mantra.
I had a chip on my shoulder daring anyone to hurt my extremely fragile feelings. Recognizing this has been shameful. At her funeral hundreds of people told stories of her kindnesses to them. One after another shared how she loved them while in their life struggles.
How many times could I hear of my friend’s kind encouragement before I stop being a discourager?
Grief is illogical.
Yes, her death is hard but watching the evil rooted in my heart is worse. And I’m a Christian!
Instead of being a grace-giver I have been a grace blocker.
Instead of reminding myself of what Jesus Christ has done for me on the cross I had been picking apart offenses against me. It’s amazing how uncivil I can be when I forget Christ.
Time for change.
No wonder I’ve felt down. When the one-month mark came I made a decision. It’s time. Christ is Lord of my life and Lord of this sad tragedy. He is the One who I live for, not for me, and especially not for feelings. His plan is better than mine. He has ordained my friend’s death for His good purpose. It is part of God’s divine plan. As God reminds me in Romans 8, all things work together for good for me because His plan is to conform me to look like Jesus Christ. God is FOR me, not against me. He has not allowed this to happen because He is not powerful or not kind. He has another plan. He has a better plan. Because I don’t like it doesn’t mean it’s not a good plan. He has ordained her death for December 6, 2018 and He is still good.
“He who did not spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him graciously give us all things….No in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.”
I repent.
Wouldn’t you know it? My feelings began to change.
“How are you doing?” asked my friend’s husband at the one month mark of her death.
“I’m better each day. How about you?”
He answered, “I get a little better each day too. I’ll talk to a few of her friends, my father-in-law, and even though each conversation is encouraging, it’s still painful.”
I weep.
Today is a cry day.
Grief is illogical. I’m good one day thinking, “God you have released me from this sadness.” Only to experience the opposite the next day. At times I feel a depth of anxiety that looks like I need meds. Could this be prolonged grieving? It feels prolonged. No, one month is not prolonged grief.
I accept that she is gone but the disruption in my life has been the hardest to overcome. She was a consistent part of daily life. We collaborated on business, we talked about family, but best of all, we encouraged each other in our love for Jesus. No wonder the persistence of heartbreak, there is no quick replacement for a meaningful friendship. Six patterns common to deep friendships:
Constant/frequent communication
Paying full and undivided attention to one another
Being there when each individual needs social support
Praise and constructive criticism
Conversing to find a solution to a problem or issue
Understanding of the other person’s emotions and needs.
Yes, I can check off each one. No wonder the hurt is deep. These 6 items characterized our friendship. It all makes sense. While I’m struggling to make sense of my reactions I need to try to understand myself. How do I grieve when things don’t make sense? How do I experience great loss? Where is God in this? Time to dig in. Know thyself and accept thy grief.
I began to wake up in the mornings with an awareness that I didn’t mourn. I awoke praising God. This habit that has been my consistent routine has come back to me almost instinctively. Journaling I wrote (and really meant it) “I will see my friend again and I can praise God that I have experienced true friendship!”
I am thinking of Jesus, about life with Jesus, and sifting my thoughts through His lens.
My grief is at bay.
My focus continues to change.
