Your Relationship is Hard? Speak Redemptively!
by Kathi Bishop
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let ourselves be burdened again by the yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1
There is something about freedom that we love.
We are in relationships with others but still feel burdened by those relationships that seem to bring out the worst in us. But God tells us that we CAN be free from the tyranny of unpleasant reactions. How do we do it?
This article will help you understand your heart and move forward toward freedom.
“You, my brothers and sisters were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather serve one another in love.” Galatians 5:13-15
So friend, how do you do this? Paul, the author, is speaking about volatile relationships. Which relationship do you think of?
Your spouse?
Your parents?
Your friend?
Who is it?
Name that person. This is your case study. Remember this is for your life!
Ask yourself; “How can I speak to ______ with love and good deeds?” If your answer is, “I can’t!” then ask yourself; “How am I looking at this situation? Is it with disdain or as an opportunity to minister God’s grace?”
“The entire law is summed up in this, love your neighbor as yourself. Galatians 5:13-15
Dear friend, you are living like your primary relationship is horizontal, but actually, it’s vertical. When a person lives for God’s glory and not personal happiness, her love for God is the most fundamental personal goal. Then, all your life is affected in every relationship, in every conversation, and in each difficult relationship.
#1 command is to love God first.
#2 command is to love others as yourself.
Spiritual adultery occurs when the love that is God’s alone is given to someone else. Read James 4. All conflict has vertical roots that produce horizontal issues like fighting and quarreling.
“If you keep biting and devouring one another, watch out or you will be destroyed by one another.”
Is this relationship characterized by taking chunks out of each other? Do your thoughts bite that person?
Yes, even your thoughts.
You don’t know? Ask a friend what they see. “Am I critical of her? Do you hear me condemning or being judgmental in my comments about her? Really! I need to know. Please be honest with me.”
The words themselves don’t need to change as much as the heart does. Relationships can be a mirror into our hearts. God has designed the heart to be a truth teller of what is going on inside. Why would He do this? So He can tell you how you fail? NO! That is not what God does. He wants His children to know what’s inside their hearts so we can come clean. In other words, we can go to Him to confess our ill feelings. He will give forgiveness as we repent and turn to Him.
Could all of life be all about Jesus and our relationship with Him? This is the vertical aspect I’ve spoken of. What happens with the vertical aspect of your life will reflect in your horizontal relationships. Most of the time we need cleansing and that’s what Jesus is in the business of doing.
The prescription for speaking redemptively can be summarized like this:
Recognize the war within.
Say no to selfish desires and selfish talk. No trash-talking.
See God as doing a work in you. You are His instrument of love and peace.
Examine sin in your heart which is evident in your critical talk or unkind thoughts.
No rationalizing away your bad talk.
Commit to do things His way with love, joy, peace patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
Give no place for bad talk.
Restore as a goal. Relationships belong to God, not to you.
Practice humanity and gentleness. God can use whispered words to produce thunderous conviction.
Other-centered living: Carry her burden and leave your burden at the cross of Christ.
Example:
A young friend had a hard relationship with her sister-in-law. She was demeaned and slandered in the extended family unit. She felt alone. Her husband didn’t seem to notice things so she felt unprotected by him.
She asked her husband to begin watching. He did!
Before this, she would complain and demean her sister-in-law to him. That led to a wall being built between them. Unhelpful at best, destructive at worst. When she looked at herself and her destructive talk she was enlightened. She prayed for God to reveal her own sin and was humbled. That humility broke her and she repented of her trash talk against her foe. She asked God for forgiveness and then asked her husband to forgive her. Her heart felt cleansed. With a new perspective on the family dynamic, she clearly saw how God would have her respond to her sister-in-law.
Freedom!
Her watching husband noticed this difference in her. This opened the door to his heart to see what was going on. He noticed the difference and was finally able to hear the barbs and hurtful comments from her sister-in-law. He began to pray for his wife’s heart to be strengthened and to have the courage to withstand the verbal darts. He stepped in at times when it was right. His understanding gave her the courage to love her sister-in-law.
She had new eyes to see this as an opportunity in a tough situation.
When the biting and devouring came at family gatherings, she was able to step away and seek another person to interact with. Many times she went to enjoy playing with the children. She chose not to sulk and brood the wounds. When she left the event she was able to pray and be silent.
Over the years God has blessed her with a new relationship with her sister-in-law. Though not friends, there were better interactions between them. Yes, it took time but she now noticed that she was being trained to speak redemptively to an enemy. This led to a powerful witness in the family. But even better she was a better witness for Christ in other tough relationships. Conflict is a sure thing in this world but freedom is available.
Sometimes it takes a counselor to help you work through hurtful situations. If this is you, register at biblicalcounselingaz.org and a biblical counselor will connect with you.
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