Coffee Makers, Conflict, and Christmas
by Joe Leavell
I’ve never understood the appeal of coffee. Why people wait in long lines to order a latte, or some other concoction, is beyond me! Don’t even talk to me about pour-over coffee, because as many people have tried to explain it, I just don’t get it.
Now you all are offended, just know that the reason I don’t drink coffee is because I’m allergic to it.
Yes, you read that right.
You can feel sorry for me now. I’m allergic to the magic liquid that fuels our entire nation.
No, it isn’t the caffeine, as I can have caffeine in other drinks, no problem. I’ve deduced it’s something in the roasting process because I’ve had green coffee and that doesn’t bother me at all. Roasted coffee, however, of any brand or flavor I’ve tried, makes my stomach do jumping jacks. Even small traces of coffee can give me a stomach ache.
My wife, Rebekah, on the other hand, has no such aversion. She loves coffee, and enjoys the creative concoctions, and all the vibes from various local coffee houses.
Throughout our first decade of marriage, my vague understanding of the coffee world made for potential conflict between us. My ignorance and her knowledge just didn’t mix well. This was keenly in year 11 (long after I should have had better further along) when I bought her…the present.
Single-use K-cups had been popular for a few years, and since Rebekah was the only coffee drinker in the house, most of the coffee grounds she bought would go stale before she could ever finish a bag. She loved the idea of having a freshly brewed single-serve coffee every day. For months, she had been dropping hints that something like this would make a good present for her. She showed me pictures, highlighted features, etc. to a half-listening husband who just didn’t understand the appeal.
It took a bit, but the nudging to this coffee abstainer started to sink in. So, one day while I was out shopping, I saw what I thought would be perfect. It was an off brand K cup maker. And…it was on clearance…for super cheap! Best of all worlds, right??
I was so excited to show her what I had gotten! I was quite proud of myself for being an attentive husband, who was so loving and caring for his wife! I was sure she would be thrilled to receive this new appliance, and I was grateful I didn’t have to pay name-brand prices to get it!
“Oooohhh….OK. Thank you!!” she said as she opened it.
“Do you like it??” Do you…do you like it??”
….
Her Choice of Reactions
Now Rebekah had a choice. She had been genuinely excited after all the non-subtle ways I had hinted that I MAY have gotten her something to do with K-cups. This machine, however, was a product that was absolutely nothing like what she had been hoping for. It was VERY cheaply made, only had one option to use K-cups that was not a setting she would ever choose, if she had the choice, and the rest was pretty much even worse than the old, basic coffee pot we currently had.
What should she do?? How should she react??
Anger maybe?
“I knew it! You NEVER listen to me! You are such a cheapskate! This thing is junk! This isn’t what I wanted at all! Do you not even KNOW me?? Do you even LOVE me??! How could you be so dense?!!”
Hmm…how about lying?
“I love it, Honey! Thank you for being so thoughtful! You’re the best! It’ll be perfect! You got it HOW cheap? Wow! That makes perfect sense then why you’d choose this one!”
How about passive-aggressive sarcasm?
“Wow! My so sweet and thoughtful husband gave me the cheapest K-cup maker in existence! Huzzah. You really are…the BEST husband, Honey!”
Conjuring up some gratitude?
Well…I mean…he really did try at least. He does love me…and we’re spoiled in this country to even be able to have any options at all for coffee!. First world problems anyway…so, “Thanks! This is great!”
What did she choose?
Based on the principles of Scripture and our relationship, Rebekah chose truth, but seasoned with grace.
“So…do you like it??” I asked eagerly.
“Do you really want to know?” She asked cautiously.
“Of course!”
“Well, I really appreciate the thought and that you tried. It really means a lot to me! I really don’t want to hurt your feelings, but this isn’t really what I was looking for. It’s very cheaply made, and I don’t know if it will even do what I’m hoping to use it for.
…
My Choice in Responses
Now, it was my turn to have a choice. She didn’t like my gift. She was nice about it, and offered to try to use it, but I had messed up. My lack of truly listening, my pride, my lack of knowledge about coffee, and my love for a bargain had procured a truly crummy gift. She obviously wasn’t into it. So…how do I react to her response?
Anger?
“How ungrateful can you get?! I take all the time to listen to your hints, and you don’t like it?! How am I supposed to know what you want?! I don’t understand coffee! Fine! If YOU don’t want it! You take it back and get something yourself! Leave me OUT of it!”...followed by storming out and slamming the door behind me.
Hmm…how manipulation through a guilt trip?
“I’m the worst! I suck at gift-giving! You’re right! I ruined your present! I don’t know how you put up with me! I feel sooo bad!! I’m so sorry!! Why did you ever marry me??!”
Oh…blame her! Good one!
Said emotionless and cold through gritted teeth… “It was on sale. I got a good deal. You said you wanted something with K-cups. This can use K-cups! You know I don’t know anything about coffee makers. You know I don’t drink coffee. I just went off what you told me. If you wanted something different, you should have been more specific.”
The Opportunity of Conflict
While a simple scenario, anyone who has been married for more than a few months knows that this could have ended really, really badly. Feelings could have been terribly hurt. Damage could have been substantial. The wounds could have been deep as we dug into our positions and made accusations. A trajectory of mistrust and frustration could have festered in our relationship and spilled from this one area to another and another.
Over a coffee maker? Oh yeah…you’d be surprised at how silly some of the most destructive fights in a marriage can be. Or…maybe you wouldn’t be surprised.
By God’s grace, a damaged relationship wasn’t the only option for us. Author Ken Sande once wrote,
“Conflict is an opportunity to solve common problems in a way that honors God and offers benefits to those involved.”
God had truly entrusted both of us with an opportunity. We could either respond in a way that tore down our marriage, or, we could build each other up enabling our relationship to thrive. We could grow even closer as a result. In graciously telling me the truth, my wife gave me the respect and honesty I needed to genuinely show her love. She showed me genuine kindness and respect that wasn’t just about inflating my ego. She believed I was strong enough to be entrusted with the truth.
Truly, I didn’t understand what I was doing when it came to coffee makers and it was obvious that I hadn’t gotten the right thing. I really hadn’t been listening well, though I did genuinely care that my wife received the present that she was looking for. I hadn’t put my heart TOO far into my present or my gift-giving. Those thoughts of responding in a self-seeking way were quickly purged as I chose to honor her honesty. My heart was safely secure with her.
“Zero problems at all! I’ll take this one back and we’ll get you what you had been hoping for! Does that work for you?”
“Are you sure?? I can use this one, if it’s an issue.”
“Nope! I truly want you to have what you had in mind. I don’t want you to have to put up with something that isn’t the right thing for you!”
So, that’s what we did. A few days later, she was the satisfied owner of a single-cup coffee maker that was even a little better than what she had been hoping for. Not only that, our relationship grew stronger and more secure. Because she shared the truth in love rather than exploding in anger, etc, and because I didn’t get defensive, we both were able to grow in our understanding and camaraderie.
Putting Your Heart into the Gift or the Relationship
“Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ…” - Ephesians 4:15
Speaking the truth in love isn’t just about telling people doctrinal truths in a kind way. It includes so much more, including truth-telling in marriage in a way that builds the relationship, rather than tearing it down. Not only did my wife show me kindness in sharing her genuine thoughts, she provided us both with an opportunity to walk in the love of Jesus with one another.
I wish I only had success stories to share. We don’t always pass these relationship tests right away the first time, but we are still growing together. This particular coffee maker gift was actually a watershed moment for me in our relationship. By choosing each other, she showed me that she loved me enough to value the truth. I showed her that I cared for her more than I wanted my present to be liked. Even though I got the coffee maker cheap, the lesson I learned was invaluable.
I pray that this Christmas, as you give and receive gifts, your heart will be in the relationship more than in the presents. May you and your families reflect the love of Jesus in the way you exchange gifts, remembering His perfect gift, that did not miss. God gave us the best of gifts in the giving of His Son!
Merry Christmas from our BCA family to yours!!!
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